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Don’t look for a new relationship to heal an old one –Gary Thomas from the book The Sacred Search
Do you find that your current relationship is facing some of the same problems you had with an ex? Maybe he isn’t paying you the attention you crave or he hangs out with his friends than he does with you. Maybe they cheated. Maybe she doesn’t talk to you like an adult or constantly looking at her phone while you are talking to her. Maybe she takes more advice from her girlfriends than you. Do these issues sound too common?
What happens is this. We get fed up with our significant other and end the relationship once we find out we can’t change them. I understand, all relationships won’t work, but what we fail to do is analyze why the relationship failed in the first place. Instead of fighting through some adversity (because it takes us out our comfort zone) we are quick to drop that person.
We treat relationships like apps on a phone, once it doesn’t amuse us anymore, we get rid of it.
Human nature lends itself to trying to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable –Cloud & Townsend
It’s painful to admit our personal issues to our significant other (it’s called pride). So, instead of admitting our faults, we blame the other person for our behaviors. When was the last time you let your significant other vent about how they really feel about you without getting defensive? I did a quick YouTube video on the topic. You can check it out here.
We break off the relationship, now they’re our ex.
After the breakup, we just want our ex to suffer for hurting us. Instead of trying to heal, we stay hurt, playing the victim. Then we hear comments from our friends like:
-There’s other fish in the sea
-It will get better. You’ll find someone who loves you.
-Time heals all wounds.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds. It’s what you do with that time that heals all wounds. –Peter Scazzero from the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality
It feels good to vent about what we feel in our heart to trusted friends about why the previous relationship went south. We need people who will be honest with us, yet without judgment. When we have these kinds of people, they can help us see things more clearly.
If we take heed to trusted friends and mentors who give Godly advice, we can heal and move forward. The problem happens when we take street advice from bitter people who had failed relationships and will pump you with bitterness. Remember misery loves company?
Time passes and you meet the perfect person. Everything is roses, skittles, and unicorns for the first six months. All of a sudden, the things you dealt with in the past with your ex, is happening in this relationship! How can this happen?! I’m with a new person; things should be different, right?
This is why the divorce rate is higher amongst second marriages. Why? Because we never dealt with OUR own issues!
Holding on to past hurts can damage the best of relationships. Here are two ways your ex can damage your current relationship:
Starting a New Relationship Too Soon
I’m not trying to put a time and date on when you should date again from a previous relationship. Only you and God know that. One way to find out if you are emotionally healthy to date again is if you have no bitterness or hurt in your heart concerning anything about your ex. If the examples listed below are something you still feeling, maybe you should hold off on calling that fine woman or handsome man you met at the mall and exchanged numbers.
-Does your blood boil if you hear your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend name? Does it conjure up anger in your heart and mind? Is there a certain cologne or perfume him/her wore that if you smell it, takes you back to a bad place while in the previous relationship?
-If you see your ex, can you be cordial around him or her? If you see him/her do you want to call them everything except a child of God?
If these things are still happening to you emotionally, you have NOT healed.
Starting a new relationship too soon is destined to destroy your new bae. They come into a relationship unaware of what you really feel about your ex. If there are ANY similarities between your new boyfriend/girlfriend and the ex, they will receive an unpleasant surprise because they are unaware you are still dealing with hurt.
Guess who has to deal with the past hurt from an ex?
Some people are honest enough to tell a guy or girl they are really interested in that they’re still hurting. This is where some people like to try and play Superman/Superwoman and they want to love the pain away. Although this is a noble thing to do, many people don’t know what they are signing up for. This is not a major motion picture.
Holding on to Hurtful Words or Actions from an Ex
When you give your heart to someone and they don’t take care of it, it can leave a person broken. So broken that they will never trust a person again or think potential dates are out to use them. Sure, your ex might not have been physically abusive, but verbally abusive. After hearing negative comments about yourself over and over again, you start to believe it and carry it everywhere you go….even in a new relationship.
It’s hard to realize your value when you are surrounded by negativity. If you enter a new relationship, your mind must be renewed. If not, those same hurtful words or actions from your ex will creep upon you if you feel some suspicion in your current relationship.
What are some other ways an ex can be damaging a current relationship? Leave a comment below!Buffer