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After twelve plus years of marriage to the same woman, I did some evaluating of myself and thought if there was anything I would have done different prior to marriage. This came about because I always ask my wife How can I become a better husband to you? Sometimes her response would be good and other times she would let me know where I’m lacking. Asking her this specific question always keeps me on my toes so I know where I stand as her husband and if I’m meeting her needs.
As I continually evaluate myself with my wife’s input, she sometimes tells me I’m too hard on myself. Some of this behavior comes from me knowing how important it is to resolve past issues. Do you know how many marriages end in divorce because of unresolved issues from the past that we bring into our marriage? For some reason, we believe once we exchange wedding vows at the altar, all our excessive baggage from the past magically disappear. While single I struggled with pride because I thought I could do this thing called life by myself and if I needed help, it was a sign of weakness. For many years I thought like that and it hindered many potential relationships with those who wanted to help me. For years I wouldn’t let my wife help with certain things because of my pride. The sooner I let her help me the better our marriage became.
Although I cannot change the past, I can pass on this piece advice to you the reader (If you are single). The way you carry yourself as a single will impact you once married. None of us are perfect and we will have trouble in the flesh until Jesus comes back. Don’t condemn yourself for making a mistake. But don’t believe the myth that you can live however you want as a single person with no boundaries and then expect to have a healthy marriage. If the things you done while single are shameful and you refuse to get help, those shameful things will come out in your marriage in ways you would never imagine.
Here are the biggest mistakes I made going into marriage:
Comparing my wife to my mother:
This happened early in my marriage. At first I couldn’t see what I was doing to my wife but God convicted me and I repented to my wife for comparing her to my mother. The pressure I put on my wife wasn’t fair to her. The difference was this: my mother was a single parent of four children, so she didn’t have time to be sensitive to us. My mother was tough, and she never had to repeat herself twice or there was hell to pay. Rarely do I remember times of my mother holding me when I was hurt or extending me some grace. She was all business and no play. My wife on the other hand, is married to me so she doesn’t have to operate under the pressure of raising our kids now like my mother did as a single parent to me growing up. My wife is more graceful, caring, loving, and sensitive to the needs of me and her children as well as others. She has a heart the size of Texas.
The difference between my mom and wife made me uncouth early in our marriage. I’m not taking away from either one, but comparing your spouse to your parent(s) can sometimes wreak havoc in a marriage. Love your spouse for who they are and not try to change them.
Having sex before marriage:
Saying something like “Having sex before marriage is a big mistake” coming from a man is so countercultural. Yes, I said it! With all the women I slept with from my past, I wish I could have saved myself for marriage. Imagine staying a virgin until marriage and not knowing anyone else in a sexual way. There’s an uncomfortable feeling you get when you been with someone sexually from your past that’s in the same room as you are. I don’t compare my wife with women of my past but how much closer I could be to my wife mentally without me having flashbacks of an ex or a one night stand. Keeping yourself for marriage is an honorable thing and pleasing to God.
I don’t mind being transparent with my life as long as I can help someone else. What are your thoughts? I would like to hear your feedback.
Are you single and desire to marry?