Insecurity: Help! I didn't know her confidence was a mask

Insecurity: Help! I Didn’t Know Her Confidence Was a Mask

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uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

“she had a deep sense of insecurity”


the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.

“growing job insecurity”


Oh dear–thou hast found thyself between the Rock and the Planned Place. It is often said that “confidence and arrogance are really just insecurities wearing masks.” Let’s take them off for this post. You can place them back on later-you’re grown, men.


Fellas: It is NOT your fault if you end up with an insecure woman. You may contribute to it and exacerbate it but insecurity comes from a void that she allowed you to fill instead of letting GOD fill her up. When you see those signs and choose to ignore them-then it does become your fault because you refused to allow her to get  whole.


Let’s dissect Sarah: She had “1st wife rights.” The Bible doesn’t record her having any kind of relationship with God except through her husband. Had she had one, she wouldn’t have made a flesh move by placing Hagar into Abraham’s bed. If your wife tells you it’s okay to let another “shawty swing your way;” and she’s gorgeous, will you take her up on that surrogacy deal? Or, will you remind your wife through words and actions that it is not okay to not obey the Word God gave you?

Here comes Hagar–fine, flossing and with something Sarai could not produce–only manipulate. Insert insecurity because of that “extra attention” you’re giving other females who are producing something of value for you–even though “Sarai” was your 1st choice, will land you into a decision you will have to make which could lead to a break.

I often wonder how hard it was on Abraham to let Hagar go. Even though we are given a glimpse of it– she didn’t really do anything wrong. So she flexed her position (which by the way was her right as she now had 1st wife rights as well), but Abraham has to deal with two insecure women while at the same time-both trying to fix an issue that God already gave him a Word on. This is backward. He got himself into that position trying to please an insecure wife. And then trying to pacify an insecure woman who didn’t even worship the same God.

She was just a slave girl-to them. (catch that) At least she had enough sense to run from “believers” and God was waiting on her. She was “Hagar Out!” But oh no, not Sarai. He already gave Sarai her promise. She didn’t have enough patience to posses it. But she stayed. Why? Covenant? A hope and a hidden prayer? She got the last laugh but at what cost? All that unnecessary drama SHE brought into her own home could have been avoided. I know, I know–God had a plan for the Egyptians too but we aren’t doing an exegesis today. We’re just talking.


Hagar didn’t have a promise from God until she went through a process with God. And unlike Sarai, she trusted a God she didn’t even know! Out of the two women–who seemed to have the real issue? You got it-the 1st one. Jealousy, on 22’s, infighting with insecurity and Abraham the enabling peacemaker caught in the middle and this is where you as men can contribute to that and/or exacerbate it. Abraham should have told Sarai to “saddown somewhere with all that and trust that God’s plan only needed her patience.” Why didn’t he? Was it truly to please his wife and honor her request or was it because he was low in faith himself?

Aha…. If a man is low in faith and a woman is lower in faith-wait on a flesh move. Sarai had the first promise-but she did not trust it. Wait a minute here. Sarai walked with Abraham all that time and still didn’t trust his relationship with God? Sounds like Jesus and a disciple or two. Someone needed to be the voice of reason in that situation. Someone needed to take a moment and breathe.


But if you ask me; Abraham was probably like–“Yes, Lord! I get a new shot. She’s been walking around here serving with her sexy self and Sarai has been complaining too? Oh–I’m all over that!” Just admit it for a minute fellas. What would you do? Many of you have already let insecurity push you to a level that is not of the Lord because you want to fill the void of insecurity that you hooked up with. Ergo your ability to enable what’s disabled.


I don’t know any men that can’t tell when a woman is insecure. She may be good at masking it behind her status or her smile but do you take the time to find out? Sure, she’s “published and she’s polished;” but is she in position? By that I mean–what is her spiritual condition? Is it gained through God or Google?

Leah was terribly insecure so much so she allowed her own trickster dad to convince her to take her sister Rachel’s place. Stop right there–what’s in your mate and potential mate’s bloodline because it’s going to come up again a little further down this post…

Jacob by betrothal came into covenant with the family but he also married Leah’s issues. He didn’t tell her she was ugly. She just was never his choice and he verbalized it over and over. Now if a man straight up says: I don’t want her; I want HER but ends up with the one he didn’t want that’s his fault. Jacob, however, was tricked. Can you imagine after seven years of working for what you really wanted only to end up with a factory defect? All your money saved up and you don’t even want it?


Leah had to work on Leah with the LORD. Jacob didn’t make her insecure. He said what he meant and meant what he said and she hid those words in her heart and decided to start popping out babies (flesh move under God’s sovereignty) until she finally pushed out her last issue and focused on God who should have always been her focus. Had God been her focus; she would not have gone along with her earthly father but when you grow up in dysfunction; some dregs are likely to fall on you. Her dad Laban was a trick and a pimp. Oh, my I never even looked at that. Keep reading.


What or whom do you look up to is pressuring you to get married to “this one” but you know full well “that ain’t her dawg?” Don’t do it. Seven years hard time and labor plus seven more is not worth your life or your happiness. Do you want to be bound or do you for the first time in a minute, want to be free? So free you can feel it? Don’t go into anything purposefully blind. Don’t sacrifice your life for an insecure wife when that isn’t even who you wanted anyway. Release the pressure to perform per status expected and go chill out somewhere until you are ready.


Michal had issues too. Growing up in dysfunction with her crazy and demanding and underhanded father; now she doesn’t want David to do his job and when he comes home with the blessing thanking God– she goes left. That’s another one. David didn’t want Michal either. Saul gave that insecure daughter as a prize for war. Hmm…. This is happening right now in the world to little girls everywhere but I digress again…


How do we know Michal was like the misunderstanding disciples? They tried to keep Jesus from doing his job and they questioned some of his methods. All while walking with him. Have you seen the pattern yet?


Dear brothers. Do you really have time to be “checked in on” every hour of the day about what you’re doing, where you’re going, why you’re doing “it like that,” etc..? Conversely, do you have time to not have a secure woman encourage and support your grind because she’s “in hair and makeup” working on covering up?  If you are currently in a relationship like this–don’t be surprised if you come home and see your lady sitting up in a window like Michal looking down on your victory after working hard for your home and country like: “You did alright.

I didn’t want you to go anyway and I had no desire to go with you either. Oh “no you ain’t” down there with the “common people” dancing out of your ceremonial garments?” That is Michal. High Maintenance and Low Substance. But you will get tired one day. Stay in the presence of the Lord long enough.

Michal forgot David was a man of war. She was no encouragement to him after his first few stints at all. She had not yet developed the spiritual well of strength she needed to sustain herself while he was gone. David married into the system and if you really look at it–she lost her prayer life, stopped  covering him and she didn’t have a praise either. She should have remembered that because I believe had he not been in worship—she may have sadly become a victim of domestic violence. If Michal had had her own deep private relationship with the Lord she would have been down there celebrating with David. It would have been a “we victory” not a house divided.


High maintenance she was indeed which is another form of insecurity and so much so she was too high to “drop down low and get her worship on” with the poor people… Her issue of a lack of a connection with God and then her husband stemmed from her father. David had to comfort this man just to calm him down. Now I don’t know about you but if you look at the text, that trickle down theory seems to be in effect. Whatever spirit jumped up in Michal not to worship with her husband… didn’t just jump. That thing was in there a long time. It just needed the right conditions to manifest itself. Which leads me to this… How do you spot a woman who is good at hiding her insecurities so much that she makes you think you are the best thing since the invention of apps?


Look at her in the eyes when she talks. Y’all 1st need to start singing Beyoncé back to her “I ain’t sorry.” Don’t be that mean, but where you are headed–you need a partner that you don’t have to prop up every 5 minutes. Women are the weaker vessel and yes we are stronger now more than ever–but brothers do yourselves a favor a run a reverse Sampson check on her. Find out where her strength and weakness lie (not to exploit either) but so that you can make an informed decision as to whether or not you want to say “Hey” or “Bye.”


Give her time to heal until she gets whole. She doesn’t need you to run oil checks on her. Just leave her alone and watch what happens. She will either woman up and do her own thing and get stronger in God and her mission or find someone else to carry all those bags because “you didn’t see a good thing when you had it.” Yes, you did-but you also saw something else too. Figure that one out.


Who will sing “It ain’t my fault” at the end of this? If you see insecurity, it is tied to a lack of spiritual maturity. Where are you in your walk? Do you bypass your own discernment to stop and say: “Wait a minute… This woman is wonderful but she has some issues and some voids that I on my mission don’t have time to fill” or do you ignore that flag and keep running on the play? We as women are quick to help each other find the flags in relationships but who is helping you see that you are about to or have made a mistake because you just couldn’t wait? Watch your conversations with people.


Again–an insecure woman is not your fault. God made Eve secure in herself–who is in your “girl’s ear” effective enough to infect your own hearing?

That’s all. Until the podcast–




Natasha Stevens

Natasha Stevens is a writer who has ghostwritten books for many leaders in both ministry & business. Natasha serves as an Ambassador for Girl Rising, a global platform that uses storytelling to inspire girls around the world to get an education and celebrates those who are overcoming obstacles to become the great girl leaders they were born to be. Having traveled and lived abroad for study and missions, she has garnered the respect of some of the top Universities and Prep Schools both in the United States and abroad, as well as Outreach Ministries. She is the Executive Director of Creative Content at where she assists current and aspiring filmmakers in procuring financing for film and television projects. Natasha has a heart for women’s ministry as well as youth education, counseling & missions.