Seek Substance Not Sex

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“After the proposal to my Wife, Shawnda (my ex-girlfriend) came to me and said “I’m glad for you guys, but why did you marry her as opposed to me?” Shawnda said to me as tears of disappointment rolled down her light skinned cheeks. My reply was “There were some things that we (Shawnda and I) should not have done that we did; and my Fiancée did not allow me to do to her.” Shawnda looked at me with Red eyes from crying and said “I understand” and left.

-From the book

It’s the Woman You Gave Me: Why we play the blame game in our marriages, relationships, parents, & past


I remember my ex-girlfriend asking me this question like it was yesterday. “Why did you marry her as opposed to me?” It’s so profound because today’s society ex-girlfriends and boyfriends might ask this question after the one they broke up with is now married. There is one very crucial factor…premarital sex. Am I saying if you had premarital sex you won’t have a successful marriage? No. You can repent to God and make a decision that no one will touch you until the wedding night. But you can make a fleshly decision and marry the wrong one due to an unhealthy soul tie because of souls being intertwined causes your discernment to be altered. (For more information on this read 1Cor. 6:12-20)

To the Men: Since we are highly visual it can be easy for us to get caught up in looks as opposed to seeking more about her. There is nothing more frustrating to a man than a fine woman, shaped like a coke bottle with no substance. After you’ve slept with her and got her pregnant you then realize she has issues. Now you have to deal with her for the next 18 years mentally and financially. Now you see she lacks substance (after sleeping with her). All she talks about is the latest phone, reality T.V. shows, the latest fashion and other people. Brothers can I get an amen!? Some men are so visual they don’t care. They would rather put up with her nonsense, keep her on the side because she’s so fine and get another woman who’s slightly smarter than the one he’s with.

Real men seek a woman who has a proper fear of God and she can pray for him when he’s struggling and carries herself in such a way that he has to respect her. As a man, if we’re attracted to you and date you of course we want to have sex with you. But a God fearing man displays self-control and that 1Cor. 13:4-7 love to her and honors God first, then her decision to remain celibate until marriage.

A Woman of Substance is: -She not only reads her Bible but lives it. (James 1:22) -She can talk about more than Jesus. She can discuss topics on what’s happening in todays society, always willing to learn and she likes to read on things that can make her better and wiser. -She stretches the man she’s dating, helping him to expand his thinking. She understands if she marries this man, he has a vision for their family and to impact other people lives as well.

To the Women: I know he’s fine and has it going on financially but did you take the time to see if he has anger problems or to see if he thinks women are beneath him and women owe him something cause his mother spoiled him growing up? I understand a woman wants to avail her sexuality to a man to prove she loves him. Unfortunately, men don’t think the same way as women. If you gave it up too fast he’s thinking “It didn’t take much to conquer her, I’m on to the next one.” Yes, I know it’s sad but true. I used to think the same way before I gave my life to Jesus.

I used to use being a “gentlemen” as a way to get what I wanted from women. Since I was the first nice guy they meet (I had my own place, working every day, my own car, looked halfway decent and had no children) they give me their heart, share with me their feelings, hopes and dreams and you know what I get in return for “just being there to listen.” It worked for me every time but I had no substance. I’m not talking about the “hood rats” or “hoochie mamas” but the girls in church. I wasn’t there to respect her and set an example of what a man of God looked like; but for my own selfish motives in turn wounding vulnerable women who later on in life would have trust issues with men because of what I’d done to their hearts not knowing who I was at the time.

Some women feel if they make a man wait to have sex she will lose him. The devil is a liar! Let him go; if he can’t wait then he wasn’t the one for you. Just because he looks like Idris Elba or Usher shouldn’t mean he can “get it.” After getting out the bed with that good looking guy you found out there was nothing in common but the sex. You found out he had no vision, can’t keep a job, doesn’t pay his child support and lives with his mother! A man of substance lets the woman know first “I’m not having sex until marriage.” Yea, it sounds corny and gay in today’s society but a man shouldn’t want to have sex with anyone but his wife. Since most men can’t control themselves, they obey their sexual appetite in turn hurting Gods feelings in the process and wounding women. Sisters, show him there’s more to you than your shape. Keep him interested in who you are and what you bring to the table as a true woman of God.

A Man of Substance is:

-Someone who reads and lives out the Bible in his everyday life

-Someone who has vision before being married

-Someone who has a strong work ethic and ambition

-Someone who’s submitted to God and another man (Pastor, mentor, brothers, etc)

-Someone who reads books that will make him a better man



Shon Hyneman

Single Father, Mentor, Blogger. The author of 5 books and founder of Never Again Ministries, a place where we can walk through life together. Shon also hosts of The Doctor of Love Show Podcast where he discusses real topics on relationships in a spiritual and practical way so you can apply it to your everyday life. You can subscribe to The Doctor of Love Show Podcast on Stitcher, iTunes, iHeartRadio and Google Play