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As single women and wives in waiting one of the things I would caution you about is to seek not to be sought. Many times we are told to “put ourselves in position” so that the man of our dreams can find us. The church sometimes teaches falsely about the story of Ruth & Boaz which leads many single women to declare: “I’m waiting on my Boaz.” This is an errant decree. Boaz, nor Ruth had each other on their minds. Ruth was busy clinging to her heart-broken mother-in-law, Naomi; and Boaz was about his business-that thing that God called him to do. Ruth was in a position yes, but not on a platform, nor was she seeking one. She was in a position of serving Naomi a wise woman. Ruth was smart enough to know that with all Naomi had been through, she still had enough courage and strength to go back home, to her people, to her God. And Ruth was determined to follow her.
The problem that single women often make is that in looking for Boaz it’s easy to bypass the Naomi’s in our lives. Naomi had been through some things, as had Ruth. It’s disheartening to see this “Modern Day Ruth” take all of what she’s been through, and refuse to seek wise counsel from a woman, a wife, that has been there, done that, had the therapy and the hat. These single women forego instruction, due to impatience and often rebellion to just “get the man” whatever it takes. Hurt. Heart-broken. Disillusioned. Angry. Confused. Empty. All of these things no doubt Ruth was feeling and we at some point have felt them too. Rather than being still and finding a mentor in a strong woman and/or wife, you carry these bags into a new relationship completely blind sighting “Boaz.” He had no idea that not only was there broken baggage, but that you used bandages in broken places, just to get him to notice you. Here is the problem single ladies: eventually that man that you positioned yourself in front of will peel back the layers and see the wounds (and the warfare) you refused to give God space and time to deliver and heal.
As a wife in waiting, your job is to know who you are first: The Good, The Bad & the Ugly. Not what other people say about you, or to you- but what God says about you. He made you for the man. You may be the most beautiful and gifted woman in the world-but if you haven’t healed, the voids are still there and they leave you vulnerable to attacks you can’t even fathom. You have to begin to be honest with The Lord. Ask Him to show you how He sees you. When He does, ask Him to help you fix what is broken. And He will. Jesus came to bind-up the broken hearted. Whether you’re dealing with low self-esteem, abandonment, absence or lack of parenting, or not being fully aware of your purpose, those are major things that only God can fulfill.
One thing I know about God as a single woman, a wife in waiting, is that He is your covering, your Husband if you will. When you’re alone, lonely, and tired of waiting, get in the Word and in prayer. If you want to secure your future marriage with a man, you must have a firm grasp on your relationship with God. If you want to know what your husband is looking for, it’s the same things that Christ is looking for. I can promise you this, haven been single for 12 years, until you develop a deep and intimate relationship with Christ, yearning for Him every day, spending quiet “cuddle” time with Him, you will always be in the “relationship gone wrong” circus. A husband as “King” wants a “Queen,” without the excess drama.
If you are engaged, and even if you are still in the dating process, use this time to understand who God created you to be for the man you’re preparing to marry. A woman has been gifted with great discernment, something that every husband needs. The more you press into prayer, the more you’ll begin to understand his need for your gift. Are you a peaceful woman? Men require respect, yes, but all men appreciate peace. Are your emotions all over the place? You need to spend time in God’s presence to tap into and obtain that peace that only He gives and that Jesus left as an inheritance. Men go through enough hell every day that you may not hear about because it is in their nature to fix things. They don’t want to come home to hell. Begin to find a way through prayer, study of the Word and if need be, counseling to be at peace with who you are, have enough discernment to know when your future husband needs peace and find ways to create that peace for him. He should never sit in the driveway on the phone with someone else who is more peaceable than you. A wise woman builds her home but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. You, without insecurities, without manipulation, without anything ungodly, have within you everything you need to be “The Good Wife.” That which you do not have, God will provide. Often women quote: “A woman should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him to find her.” That is true. Here is the problem: Don’t “hide in Christ” hoping he’ll find you. What I mean by that is: Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. If you haven’t reached a certain level of spiritual maturity, be honest. Don’t put on an appearance that you’re a woman of God “hiding in the Word” when you’re using that as a mask hiding behind it.
A man will appreciate you more if you are honest about where you are in God. They may even help you get closer to Him–BUT, don’t use that as a means to get close to the man or God. You have to want God for God Himself. He alone knows your purpose and He alone has your peace. There is so much to be learned if you will do as Mary, and just sit at His feet. There will be “Martha Days” where you are just busy. But ask yourself, “If what I am doing now is just keeping me busy but not producing results, how will that augment what my future husband may be doing?” You may be surprised to find out that what you’re doing now may take a back-seat to what he has been called to do. Ultimately, I believe every man knows who his wife is. If he is connected to God and not chasing every skirt in the country then he knows who you are. Adam knew Eve was his before he “knew” her. He will find you, if he’s a real man. When he does, sex before marriage will not be the first or most pressing thing on his mind. You are some man’s favor, when he finds out that God has given you that missing key, He’ll come. You won’t have to say a word.
Related: Should a Woman Ask a Man For a Date?
Should single women date different men? In my opinion, no. That goes back to my 1st statement: Seek not to be sought. Unfortunately, men see this as you being whorish and ladies listen, some men gossip worse than little girls and you definitely don’t want to end up with one of them. You have enough estrogen. Take this time to discover God again, and in finding Him, when you least expect it, your husband will find you. Keep your standards high. Maintain a level of discretion and mystery about yourself but don’t play games. Men study patterns as much as they study sports. Someone, somewhere is studying you and the right man for you won’t write you off without first getting to know the fullness of you. That means he has to dig for you. Every invitation you don’t have to accept. They watch you in public, private and your social interactions. The ones who know you, know you. The ones who assume they know you, aren’t the ones, and the ones who don’t know you will either inquire as Boaz did or fall off the horse. Find yourself, love yourself and be good with yourself. Change happens progressively. Don’t rush the process, just enjoy the journey!